File Under "Things You Didn't Know About Me."

 It's been a month for thoughtfulness, mainly because I've been sick and tired (literally and metaphorically) throughout a lot of it. 

I no sooner got over a lower respiratory infection when I went into a sleep study to adjust my CPAP settings, where it was determined I need BiPAP. This presents a few problems for me personally. 

Back when I was in France, it was routine to hitchhike to classes rather than take the bus. Usually I was in groups with other French students, and the drivers enjoyed conversations with the American. It was a good time. Sometimes we got a driver who hated Americans, and those would let me off right away. Other times, the driver wanted to date the American. Pfft. 

However, there was a major incident that left me more than rattled. I was with a group of art students, who were getting dropped off at the main building in town, which left me alone with the driver for the next two miles. He headed up the main boulevard of Tours toward the Fac des Lettres, but then turned off just past the train station in the center of town. I protested when he said he knew a shortcut, since the Fac was right off the boulevard, a direct line. At that point, I saw we were headed for the outlying trainyard, and I noticed the driver was wearing leather gloves. All I could think of was that he'd leave no fingerprints behind. 

I shouted at him to stop the car, stop the car, and finally he pulled into an empty building and stopped. He then put his hand over my mouth and pressed me against the door, closing off my nose as well. I thought he would kill me. We glared at each other for what felt like minutes, but of course I can't hold my breath that long so it couldn't have been that long. Still, I was more angry than scared because I had a test that day and I couldn't be late to class. 

The stupid things that go through your head when you're facing down a kidnapper and possible murderer.

So I matched his threatening eyes with my own fierce glare (which my sons tell me is pretty formidable). Then he released me with a shove and said, "Bon. On y va." (Fine. We'll go.) And as if nothing had happened, he drove me directly to the door of the Fac des Lettres. It's funny in hindsight that when I got out, I reflexively said, "Merci" for the ride.

Getting back to the BiPAP... 

This mask covers my mouth and shoves up against my nose. It's not an issue when I first put it on because I can breathe. Then I turn it on, and I can breathe even better. So far, so good.

It's when I wake up in the dark with this thing over my mouth like the leather-gloved hand that occasionally flashbacks hit me. I scramble to sit up and turn the thing off, but that's momentarily worse because then I really can't breathe. I unclip the mask as fast as I can and strip it off, but I'm left panting and my heart racing in a panic.

My pulmonologist says this new mask will help me sleep better, leave me less fatigued during the day, and overall improve my health. 

He has no clue.